Lately I have been praying very hard for the Lord to pull me to Him. I don't have the strength to hold myself to God's side while everything else rips me away. I have to beg Him to keep me, to hold me tighter.
Things are tough right now. Each child has their own difficulty at the moment. All of which are sorta new to me. All of which tempt me to look down on myself. To feel like a failure. To think this parenting thing is about ME and not God's glory. I can't keep up with the housekeeping. I can't keep up with the yard work. We have three birthdays coming up and then the holidays. And homeschooling just sucks right now. Every ounce of my flesh wants to push against these difficulties and hide inside of a fiction novel. To eat a bunch of sweets and just sit and think about myself. While my spirit is trying to reach out to God for help. Sweets and fiction vs God. Flesh vs Spirit. I'm tired. The sweets and fiction look soooo good. But the Holy Spirit whispers, "No. That's not the answer. Draw near to me." Ignoring the kids and having "me time" looks soooo good. But the Holy Spirit says, "No. They are your mission. Persevere with My strength." This will be the fight for the rest of my days on this earth. Fighting back the flesh and resting in the Spirit. Like different poles on a magnet. One pushes away, the other pulls toward. Bryse has her surgery appointment in the morning at 8:30. We will be leaving the house by 6am to get there in time. Darby is hanging out with a friend down the street for the day. Bryse is feeling better about it, not as scared as she was a week ago. I'm trying to get the house ready so that I have less work when we get back for a few days. I've been cooking more freezer meals too, so that should make life easier. And I'm putting Jack in the kennel for a couple of nights.
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http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/2012/09/whole-hearted-motherhood-minus-the-guilt.html This blog post greatly encouraged me and just solidified some things I've been thinking on lately. I suppose this would've started with marriage with us. Or, me, anyway. Early in our marriage I knew the right thing to do! Stay married! Serve my husband! Keep the house clean and cook! These are what makes you a better wife, do them. So I did them and did them and did them and grew more and more bitter. I was worried too much about doing the right thing and not begging the Lord to help my heart. I did the right thing even when I hated it with every strand of my being! I suffered from many years of bitterness because of this. Bitterness that caused me to be so angry at friends that got divorces because I was jealous that they were getting out! Fast forward to motherhood, same thing. I was only happy when the kids were blessing me and every other time I was tired and bitter and annoyed! Then I would feel guilty for my crappy attitude and just try harder to do the right thing. (I'm a champion do-righter) It took a long time for the Lord to open my heart and show me that I had a selfish, prideful heart. That just because I did right didn't mean that I wasn't sinning constantly in my effort to do right. Because why am I doing right? What am I earning? "We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away." Isaiah 64:6 Below is a fantastic sermon by Matt Chandler. Around minute 29 is what spoke to me the most. This was me! I was not familiar with the character and nature of God. The more aquainted I get with the nature and character of God the less I TRY to do good! Because I can't, but HE can!! Praise God, He can! And He has. I hope and pray that I will no longer do what is right because it is the right thing to do. But that I will do the right thing because the creator of all that is good commands it for HIS glory! Keeping in mind that I work on several posts for several weeks (sometimes months) before they are done and almost all of these are in regard to things the Lord has convicted my heart of.....many of which I'm so embarassed of it's hard to confess. But here we go....
assumption- (noun) A thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof. slander- (noun) The action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation. (verb) Make a false and damaging statements about someone. I have been thinking on these things a lot lately. Just, how hurtful they are. How many times have I made assumptions about people and without checking with them first to make sure my assumption was correct, just shared my assumption? Many, many times. I had some people make completely absurd assumptions about myself a couple years ago and treat me differently according to these assumptions and it really hurt my feelings. Let's think of some scenerios here: - Seeing a homeless person on the side of the road and drawing a conclusion without knowing the details. - Hearing a brother or sister in Christ share a silent prayer request and spending too much brain energy trying to figure out what the prayer request actually is. Maybe even brainstorming with others about what it might be. - Seeing someone at the alter in church praying fervently and deciding that they are finally conquering that pet sin of their's. - Seeing a mom with one of her children with mixed matched shoes on and assuming that she is a permissive hippie mom that doesn't believe in instructing her children. (That's right people! I know you're making assumptions about me! Ha!) - A friend is in a gruff mood. Leaving all his friends to sit around and talk about what they think is wrong. When does an assumption become slander? When does making assumptions become busybodiness? Do we really have time to draw conclusions about others? Isn't all this just gossip? Yes. But I think in the church we have fooled ourselves into thinking that gossip only starts with, "I heard...." when really it can start with, "I'm worried about her, I think....". Well, if you're worried about her then talk to HER! Obviously there can be instances where we need to seek counsel, but I think we need to be very careful to not "seek counsel" with everyone for months on end before checking out our assumptions. We should not make assumptions about people. We should not slander or gossip about others. As christians we know this but are we really guarding our speech? For me, illiminating Facebook from my life has made a HUGE leap in the right direction regarding this. If I'm not exposed to little snipits (ie: random picture, status update) from people then I don't feel the urge to assume about them. Where as before I would lay awake at night wondering if "so&so" was doing "such&such". Would feel compelled to check their facebook, not because I wanted to check on them, but because I wanted to be in their business! Business that I lack the emotional energy to deal with! I should be spending my emotional energy on sticking my nose into what my kids are feeling, what my husband is doing or needs prayer for! Obviously, facebook is not evil. I think it's just me, I lack the maturity to deal with it right now. So I will remain away for a while longer. And happily, I might add. Me and the kids are tighter this way. I'm less stressed and have less noise in my head when I hit the pillow at night. The flip side of this is gaurding against worry over what other people are thinking or assuming or slandering about us. This, I would say, is my biggest problem. Or has been. I feel more freed from it now. Thank you, Lord! BUT, what was I doing when I was so worried about people assuming wrongly about me? Idolatry. That's what. Seems harsh, yes? Well, so it is. When I waste time worrying over what someone believes about me (whether right or wrong) I am saying that what God believes about me is not enough. And do you know what God believes/sees regarding me? Righteousness, perfection, Holiness through His son, Jesus Christ. I tell myself this a TON through out the day. Anytime I find myself thinking about what someone else might judge me for or if someone else supports this decision or that, or if they think I'm a good enough mom, or a good enough cook, or a good enough house keeper. I am redeemed. On every subject that matters, I'm covered by the Blood!!! Michael Horton: The Gospel Offends
“Jesus was not revolutionary because he said we should love God and each other. Moses said that first. So did Buddha, Confucius, and countless other religious leaders we've never heard of. Madonna, Oprah, Dr. Phil, the Dali Lama, and probably a lot of Christian leaders will tell us that the point of religion is to get us to love each other. "God loves you" doesn't stir the world's opposition. However, start talking about God's absolute authority, holiness, ... Christ's substitutionary atonement, justification apart from works, the necessity of new birth, repentance, baptism, Communion, and the future judgment, and the mood in the room changes considerably.” Found here: http://rockedbygrace.blogspot.com/ That blog has kept me pretty busy lately! Ha! Been listening to several sermons by Pastor Eric Mason at Epiphany Fellowship in West Philidelphia. He is great! All about the Lord and teaching the Word to His glory! Great teacher. http://www.epiphanyfellowship.org/aggregator/sources/1 Just in case this can get out there, I have a complaint about the volume level of the sermons. They are just quiet enough that I can't cook and clean while I listen. : ( I prefer good volume so I can crank it and still wash dishes and run the food processor! Ha! I occasionally listen to a sermon series from The Village Church, usually preached by Matt Chandler, but all the guys over there are good. Listened to a short series on Gluttony that was very convicting and inspiring! http://www.thevillagechurch.net/resources/sermons/ Every sermon in his Ultimate Authority sermon series is amazing! I'm also reading his book Explicit Gospel. I have a great place in my heart for Chandler because the dude can preach God glorifying sermons on suffering so well because of his circumstances. To God be the glory. And if I have nothing else to listen to then I mosey back on over the Gospel of Luke by Driscoll. Been slowly working my way through that sermon series off and on for a quite a while. http://marshill.com/media/sermons I have recenlty listened to Tim Keller sermons too. Although, for whatever reason I find him hard to listen to and easier to read. Short articles by him here and there have been a great encouragement too. He sounds just enough like Jeff Goldbloom that I can't help but feel like I'm being taught by his character in Independence Day! Ha! But that is what he does! He teaches very well. Just finished The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness and it...was...awesome!! In the Word I have been, for the first time in my life (embarassingly), reading straight through the Bible. I just began Joshua. When I hit Levitivus a couple months back I realized that I needed a little help in keeping reading because that one is hard! So I started adding in a little of the NT starting in Acts. So now I am in 2 Thesselonians there too. There are some amazing parts that have really touched me and I've gone back to read many times. Too many to go into all of them, but the two that stick out in my mind are two places where we get a glimpse in at the immense love God has for these chosen people of His. Keeping in mind how horribly rebellious they were it makes that love all the more glorious! In Numbers 24 Balaam is asked to curse the Isrealites (God's people) and the Holy Spirit comes upon him and causes his eyes to open and see the Isrealites as God sees them and what follows is a beautiful section of scripture about God's love for His chosen people. I cried and cried because, well, we all know how dumb and whorish the Isrealites were to God. Much in the same way we are to Him now. Go read it and be blessed. And just to mention one other, the song that God sings at the end of Deuteronomy for Moses to share right before he dies. Starting around Deuteronomy 32:10. There is something so humbling about an all-powerful, perfect God singing over His chosen people that just leaves you feeling like a million bucks and totally worthless at the same time. So undeserving and so grateful. I want to read it over and over because when God is singing about His people, He's not really singing about the people, but about how He is glorified through them!! I mean, if we were worth anything, then there would be less glory for God. But since we are worth nothing and completely dependant on His grace and love, it just keeps pointing back to Him! All of this has really opened my eyes to how marriage is suppose to show a mirror image of this relationship! How God continued to choose and love His people even when they were so awful to Him! How in our christian marriages God is most glorified through our forgiveness and repentence as that gives us a glimpse of what Jesus does for the church. Some marriages experiences this in a much deeper way than others. While God gives exceptions to us, weak humans, there is no exception for the Lord. He forgives ALL!! This is so beautiful and should continually call us back to seeking holiness out of love. I showed Brye's inspirational art project a while back. After we finished her's I started on mine. Darby is next! So here is mine. I used a quote by Martin Luther that Robert and I really like. Mainly because there was a time in our marriage when I was not sad to see Robert leave and he was not glad to come home. So to be on the other side of that is a great blessing that all the honor and glory goes to God for. We have no ability to love one another well in and of ourselves. God taught us how. There is a lot here that causes me to worship the Lord! The whole piece is suppose to show a marriage submerged in the grace of God. I spent many hours deciding what to do. So you have the tree planted "by the water" (slightly abstract there, as you can't see any land). The type of tree that grows by water is called a Linden tree and that is the root of my name. : ) The reasoning for that choice is found in the scripture on the roots in the water.
"He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers." (Psalm 1:3 ESV) "He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:8 ESV) Where are your roots planted? Are the planted in the living water only Christ can give? We've learned through far too much pain that our marriage withers and bears sour fruit if we are planted in anything but. Next is why I chose a tree in the first place. Jesus uses a tree to explain how we know we are followers of the one true God. That if someone claims the name of God but bears bad fruit always, then they are a liar, a wolf in sheep's clothing. That we will know the true christians by the fruit they bear. Good fruit that brings life and love and glory to God! It is our daily prayer that we will bring glory and honor to God by our fruit. Not that we need to earn our salvation but just because we love Him so much we deeply desire to obey Him. That like Ephesians 6 says, we would sow into the Holy Spirit instead of into the flesh. "So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit." (Matthew 7:17 ESV) "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12 ESV) I added the vines because of what Jesus says about Him being the vine. Salvation only comes to those who go through Christ. Apart from Him we can do nothing of eternal value. Even in our marriage. "I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5 ESV) I started with just two vines but then was reminded of this scripture in Ecclesiastes where it says that two is better than one but three is best. For us we, again, see this in our marriage. We can get a lot of work done, Robert and I, but that work is fruitless and temporary without the Lord binding it together. Everything we do must be focused on Him. "And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken." (Ecclesiastes 4:12 ESV) I didn't do any scripture references on the background. But my thoughts there are how repeatedly in the Bible we are reminded that our God is a consuming fire! There is no darkness in Him! Hence the light chasing away the darkness. I will be sure to post Darby's project as soon as she gets to work on it and finishes it! Be blessed! http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/trevinwax/2012/05/02/teaching-kids-the-gospel-a-conversation-with-j-d-greear/
http://theresurgence.com/2011/06/17/do-you-teach-your-kids-the-gospel-or-law http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2012/02/21/teach-children-the-bible-is-not-about-them/ "Every way we try to make our kids good that isn’t rooted in the good news of the life, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ is damnable, crushing, despair-breeding, Pharisee-producing law. We won’t get the results we want from the law." Been thinking about this a LOT! It is my goal to teach our children the gospel all day long. The WHOLE gospel. Not just "Jesus loves me" or "Jesus saved me" or "God will judge me" or "Obey the 10 commandments" or "Love eachother". But the whole thing. The Bible is very clear that adding anything to or taking away anything from the gospel is worship of a totally different kind. It's heresy. The gospel is so useful every moment of every day, not just for salvation. So it should be on our tongue all the time. This concept is very new to me. It's taking a lot of practice and thought. I've been watching a lot of Boy Meets World lately. Ha! I loved that show growing up! I let the girls watch the first season with me but after that it gets a little too mature for them. But I'm watching it, none the less! : ) Something I've noticed about Boy Meets World is that it's very good. I think the whole show is rooted in teaching kids the right thing to do. Five or ten years ago I would've thought that was great. But now, geez, that's just religion. It's just focusing on the works. The show (which I love and laugh hysterically through) is very much focused on morals. Morals minus Jesus is religion. And ya know, this is a battle christian parents must fight with the world everyday! Because the world tells our children to "be good", "don't do drugs", "don't drink and drive", " be a loyal friend", "give money to the poor". And if you do these things then you will be worth something. It tells our children that if they try hard enough that they can do anything and be good enough. But if we are teaching our children the whole gospel then we should be teaching them that they can never be good enough on their own. That we are measured for perfection by a perfect, just God. And we are never perfect, despite all of our works that seem good to the world. That the only way that we reach perfection is through Jesus' atonement for our imperfections. How releasing is this for the over-achieving child to hear, "It's okay. You're not suppose to do it right. Jesus already did it right for you. Cling to Him and he will lift you up." or for the rebillious child, "In your moment of weakness RUN to Him! He will forgive you and lead you to repentance!" I am reminded constantly that I must be saying these things to my children that lean to either of these sides. Instead of feeding their self-esteems, I should be pointing them continually to the Glory of God and His grace that gives them everything they don't deserve. This is hard! “Mortification of sin by self-strength, carried on by ways of self-discipline, unto the end of self-righteousness, is the soul and substance of all false religion in the world.” John Owen http://www.ligonier.org/learn/articles/what-gospel/ Real quick had to share this. This morning as we were eating breakfast and chatting we got on to the subject of the Great Exchange. I took my cup of water and Darby's water and said that it was like my cup was full of sin and I was suppose to die because sin leads to death, destined to be seperated from God forever! Jesus came and lived in perfect righteousness and holiness so His cup was full of righteousness and holiness. When He died on the cross for us He took our cup full of sin and exchanged it for His cup of righteousness and holiness. So that when we stood before God He would see Jesus' righteousness instead of our sin. Cal said, "Do me!!" And shoved his cup at me so I explained it again using my cup and his. When I finished he started getting upset, tearing up and saying he was mad at God. I asked him why he was mad at God to which he said he wasn't mad at him. And then sat there sitting for a while obviously deep in thought. Finally he said, "I want to color a picture for God." So all three kids are coloring pictures for God as an act of worship to Him for the amazing work in the great exchange!! Great way to start the morning, I must say.
“This is that mystery which is rich in divine grace to sinners: wherein by a wonderful exchange our sins are no longer ours but Christ’s, and the righteousness of Christ not Christ’s but ours. He has emptied himself of his righteousness that he might clothe us with it and fill us with it; and he has taken our evils upon himself that he might deliver us from them.” Martin Luther Recently read a book that was alright but not spectacular. This is a quote that I liked from it. It was by Lauren Austin and she did a great job in the book of showing joy in the Lord through horrible situations. Which I appreciate. Not that I'm able, but it's so nice to read about people that are there and giving advice on the way.
Early in our marriage my husband was a Biblical Studies major and encouraging me to read the Old Testament more. I kept trying. I hated it. I told him so. I said, "I hate how God was then! I just don't see the connection between that God and Jesus." Robert ofcourse told me they are one in the same, which logically I knew. But my worldly human emotions would not accept it. I was so shallow and close minded against what God just IS vs what I wanted God to be. I wanted God to be quiet and gracious and moldable. "God is SO good!" I would've told you, but really there was this fleshly whisper in the back of my mind that said, "Yeah, Jesus is good, but the God of the Old Testament wasn't good. I'm glad He changed by the New Testament." I am learning to forgive myself for my past ignorance. God was gracious to me then with my lack of wisdom and I'm sure in 20 years I will look back to now and be thankful for Him being gracious to my lack of wisdom now! Lord willing I will continue to learn and be sanctified every day for the rest of my life! But what the last couple years has taught me is that God is good. No matter what He does or allows, it is good. He created "good", He is the only source of "good". We, as humans, don't know "good". At all. We think we do. What a mighty God that makes good out of ALL. "Often I have heard people say, 'How good God is! We prayed that it would not rain for our church picnic, and look at the lovely weather!' Yes, God is good when He sends good weather. But God was also good when He allowed my sister, Betsie, to starve to death before my eyes in a German concentration camp. I remember one occasion when I was very discouraged there. Everything around us was dark, and there was darkness in my heart. I remember telling Betsie that I thought God had forgotten us. "No, Corrie," said Betsie, "He has not forgotten us. Remember His Word: "For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him." Corrie concludes, "There is an ocean of God's love available - there is plenty for everyone. May God grant you never to doubt that victorious love - whatever the circumstances." Corrie Ten Boom "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 ESV My thoughts lately follow along a trail of being thankful and seeing that God is good in all circumstances. We had a particularily hard day yesterday. Poor behavior, more discipline, stress, feeling depressed, running unexpected errands. Bryse looks like Two Face because she has an awful case of poison ivy (or something like that) and it's my first time to deal with that. Cal is three. (That is all, he's three. That's all it takes to up the stress. Ha!) Darby is fixing to take her first unit tests. And Deakin just screams all day. Happy or sad, he's screaming! And not only that but after months of continually praying for opportunities to minister in our own neighborhood the Lord plopped a big ole' opportunity right in my lap! And ofcourse, it's one I wouldn't have chosen. ; ) But instead of begging God to change all these things, I want to thank God for them all. Instead of only saying He has blessed me when He gives me what I want, I want to say, "Wow! Yesterday was hard! God really blessed us with lots of opportunites for lessons and sanctification! He sure does love us!" Because they will work together for the good of those who love Him. Because He loves me enough to send me a curve ball so that I will cling to Him harder. This bread makes us stronger. Because a Father that only gives candy is a bad father. Thank you for the opportunities to disciple my children in their poor behavior, Lord. For the chance to teach them young so that they won't face worse when they are older. Thank you for the sanctification that it breeds in me! Thank you for Cal being three as I know that three, Lord willing, will lead to him being four and five and six and we will see the fruit of the lessons learned at this age. Thank you for Bryse's poison ivy! For the things her and I both are learning because of it. For teaching us that there are some things in this world we just need to stay completely away from. Thank you for Darby's Unit tests as they are a sign that we have survived the first Unit in all her subjects so far! Thank you for changing me into the mom she needs instead of the mom I want to be. And thank you for my baby that is alive and healthy enough to scream all day. Thank you for his passion in all things and thank you for the lesson he will conquer one day, that you have to channel those passions. And thank you for this opportunity to minister to neighbors. I am not here, in this world, for myself, but to serve You and others'. No matter how insignificant it might seem. Our first date! Robert texted me late last night as he was getting up on Friday morning: "I've been married longer than you by several hours! Happy Anniversary! Love you." Hee hee! Today marks 10 years married to my man. I've gone a little over board with the pictures. I just went through all our pictures and tried to find ones of us together. (I would seriously pay someone to organize my pictures on my computer. Ugh!) I miss him terribly but am thankful for the season God has us in. We are more happy and in love today than we were a year ago, 3 years ago, and WAY more than 10 years ago! It's amazing what persevering through hard times and marital struggles does to your relationship if you just press on and cling to HIS promises!! God's plan is perfect. I will never love my husband well enough but by God's grace He will supply what we need in all ways. "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33 ESV) |
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